here i post random musings and ideas, may not be coherent but its a digital sketchbook for myself
Dec 12, 2023
life's treasures
ive been spending more time off the web, and boy is it better. im appreciating the small treasures in life, not the past not the future, just this present moment.
i used to hoard past memories, photos and such, dreading i would forget a moment. now i dont care. . . this present is the most important to me. time with my family, a phone call to a distant relative, cooking a meal, washing his socks and drying them on the heater til they get toasty warm. sometimes i dont say a word. i have nothing to say. i just experience this moment as it is. i get sad sometimes, remorseful, fearful of death. but that is the cycle of life. while we are still alive, lets cherish the moments instead of dread that which we cannot control. - xiaoyin
ive been spending more time off the web, and boy is it better. im appreciating the small treasures in life, not the past not the future, just this present moment.
i used to hoard past memories, photos and such, dreading i would forget a moment. now i dont care. . . this present is the most important to me. time with my family, a phone call to a distant relative, cooking a meal, washing his socks and drying them on the heater til they get toasty warm. sometimes i dont say a word. i have nothing to say. i just experience this moment as it is. i get sad sometimes, remorseful, fearful of death. but that is the cycle of life. while we are still alive, lets cherish the moments instead of dread that which we cannot control. - xiaoyin
Dec 9, 2023
on school. . . i spent a lot of years of my life conforming instead of expressing myself.
it hurts me now that I am 28 and feel behind in knowing myself. i was a rule-follower and hardworker, which made it worse because i worked so hard following their rules and their milestones to lead a life. not a happy one necesarily.
in school i learned how to take tests, not how to learn or WHY. i learned to stress out over something i would never use again. i learned to fit in not stand out. i would memorize information for a test and forget it the minute after i took it. i have come to a simple conclusion, for myself after all these years. then college , 5 years down the drain . yes i had joyful moments but the bigger picture is clear to me now. i wish i had never gone to college. i wish i had dropped out after 1 year . i got good "grades" which got me an accolade but just made me really sad knowing i was just doing what i was told. each year i got more and more anxious, forcing myself to finish this project and that, all the while distancing myself from the core of myself, my needs. i stopped listening to myself. there is no right way to write an essay, write a poem, draw a drawing. . . art is your expression, i learned.
i was very anxious, consumptive, compulsive, after all of that. constantly distracting myself. running away from my core issues. now its been a while. i have been out of school for 5 years. and i am doing much better. its funny it took years to unlearn and i am still unlearning. i was so used to negative self-talk, a habit that got me through the "system" but made me deeply unhappy and unconfident.
after lots of tears, years of crying, i am at a place i feel much better and know i have a place in this world. i went to therapy, it helped me start the jouney, but again its not the end-all as you must trust yourself and your own wisdom and experience. i read some books, i lived, loved, cried, got depressed got happy and here i am still standing. i am pretty happy now. i still have a lot of negative self talk and rigid binary thinking (good/bad) but im learning to accept whatever comes my way and know im loved.
to kids: school doesnt teach you how to be yourself. always remember thats whats most important at the end of the day.
also this neocities has helped me heal <3
it hurts me now that I am 28 and feel behind in knowing myself. i was a rule-follower and hardworker, which made it worse because i worked so hard following their rules and their milestones to lead a life. not a happy one necesarily.
in school i learned how to take tests, not how to learn or WHY. i learned to stress out over something i would never use again. i learned to fit in not stand out. i would memorize information for a test and forget it the minute after i took it. i have come to a simple conclusion, for myself after all these years. then college , 5 years down the drain . yes i had joyful moments but the bigger picture is clear to me now. i wish i had never gone to college. i wish i had dropped out after 1 year . i got good "grades" which got me an accolade but just made me really sad knowing i was just doing what i was told. each year i got more and more anxious, forcing myself to finish this project and that, all the while distancing myself from the core of myself, my needs. i stopped listening to myself. there is no right way to write an essay, write a poem, draw a drawing. . . art is your expression, i learned.
i was very anxious, consumptive, compulsive, after all of that. constantly distracting myself. running away from my core issues. now its been a while. i have been out of school for 5 years. and i am doing much better. its funny it took years to unlearn and i am still unlearning. i was so used to negative self-talk, a habit that got me through the "system" but made me deeply unhappy and unconfident.
after lots of tears, years of crying, i am at a place i feel much better and know i have a place in this world. i went to therapy, it helped me start the jouney, but again its not the end-all as you must trust yourself and your own wisdom and experience. i read some books, i lived, loved, cried, got depressed got happy and here i am still standing. i am pretty happy now. i still have a lot of negative self talk and rigid binary thinking (good/bad) but im learning to accept whatever comes my way and know im loved.
to kids: school doesnt teach you how to be yourself. always remember thats whats most important at the end of the day.
also this neocities has helped me heal <3
Dec 2, 2023
Digital Pet